The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
