my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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