I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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