there's paper in my vomit.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
