Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
