god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
