my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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