I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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