just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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