Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
