Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
