i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
