My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
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LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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