I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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