I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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