You just made me feel so damn special
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
