I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
