no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
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It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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