Screwed.edu
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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