I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
