can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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