There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
