If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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