If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
