Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
