the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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