maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
