she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
BRING THE BAGELS
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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