he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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