and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
