A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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