i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The feeling are messing with the penis
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
