guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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