she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
