Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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