Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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