Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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