Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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