I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
