I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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