Only a mothe r could love this liver
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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