Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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