my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.