I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
