he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
