Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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