I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
