Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
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i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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