Christians are straight up FREAKS
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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