Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
How's work?
Spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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