There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
