my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
