i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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