I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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