How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
